I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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