I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this boner is exhausting
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
