meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
