When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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