Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.