Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
