dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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