I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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