Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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