the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
