I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
