i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
