Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
