it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
