best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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