i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
