If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
