There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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