the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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