He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Say something about gay babies.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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