She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
