I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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