Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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