i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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