haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
