this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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