Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
