Texts From Last Night

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (509) Good night (87916) Bad night (9313)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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  (773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind http://tfl.nu/hlcm
  Replies (23) Good night (4311) Bad night (866)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

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  (253): don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects. http://tfl.nu/678l
  Replies (15) Good night (850) Bad night (3039)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.

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  (206): and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment. http://tfl.nu/jfbz
  Replies (4) Good night (1183) Bad night (2740)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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  (305): I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy http://tfl.nu/yxp4
  Replies (14) Good night (2208) Bad night (2708)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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  (765): I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me. http://tfl.nu/y0cn
  Replies (4) Good night (3228) Bad night (756)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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  (505): When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets. http://tfl.nu/r3xp
  Replies (7) Good night (3567) Bad night (846)
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  (323): View more from California

  You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.

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  (323): You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion. http://tfl.nu/elx2
  Replies (2) Good night (1451) Bad night (713)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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  (613): She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone. http://tfl.nu/b8gy
  Replies (9) Good night (2642) Bad night (821)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous

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  (785): I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous http://tfl.nu/ltir
  Replies (14) Good night (1257) Bad night (735)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.

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  (443): He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever. http://tfl.nu/42ep
  Replies (5) Good night (488) Bad night (1721)
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  (550): View more from

  I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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  (550): I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone. http://tfl.nu/3axh
  Replies (4) Good night (1072) Bad night (382)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  There's a naked man in my car right now.

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  (903): There's a naked man in my car right now. http://tfl.nu/6qzb
  Replies (6) Good night (748) Bad night (386)
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  (714): View more from California

  That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.

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  (714): That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me. http://tfl.nu/ou1n
  Replies (1) Good night (334) Bad night (1106)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream

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  (815): I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream http://tfl.nu/vgsc
  Replies (5) Good night (237) Bad night (704)

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