I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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