I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
