I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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