u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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