Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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