I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
