One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
