I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
