just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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