Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
