maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
