No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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