found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
