dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
