My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
