Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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