I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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