when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
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I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
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I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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