Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
