This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
