This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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