he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
