Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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