My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
