You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
