just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
