Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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