I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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