All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
